Back To School Struggles?

The start of a new school year can be exciting- Many kids greatly enjoy the opportunity to shop for a new wardrobe with mom or dad, and many even enjoy the crisp new school supplies which now come in a variety of colors and styles. Some kids also look forward to reuniting with old friends after a summer of relative isolation or “too much togetherness” with immediate family. 

But for some kids, a new school year is very stressful. They experience a great deal of anxiety about having to get back into a routine after staying up late and sleeping in over the summer and doing what they want to do for most of the day. For some, it’s more complicated than that and they may truly feel fearful about socializing with peers, meeting new people, new learning and performance expectations, or all the above. It’s normal for anyone to feel some anxiety when adjusting to a new situation, but when does school-related anxiety become a problem that warrants intervention? Here are some helpful tips for understanding when and whether a child’s anxiety is beyond the typical, and what you can do about it to help. 

First, give your child, whatever his/her age something of a “grace period” for settling in. Typically, a child or teen should be getting into the groove of a new school year about 1-2 weeks in. If they are still expressing a great deal of anxiety or even distress after that point, you’ll need to dig deeper to find out what is causing the disturbance. Otherwise, school avoidance or school refusal can become an ongoing difficulty that threatens to derail your student’s learning for the entire academic year. Over the years, I have identified 3 major causes of school anxiety/avoidance/refusal. 

In younger children, from pre-Kindergarten to 2nd grade or so, Separation Anxiety is a major cause of school avoidance/refusal. In these cases, the child feels reassured only the presence of a caregiver/parent. The child worries excessively about the caregiver’s wellbeing and feels they need to be with that person around the clock to ensure the safety of both of them, and they will worry needlessly that “something bad will happen” if they are apart. Suspect this especially in kids who follow you around the house, or who get excessively anxious with any separation (a play date a friend’s house, for example). The solution here is to provide your reassuring presence to get them started with school days, then gradually fade it out. For example, a parent may accompany a child to drop-off and the classroom, stand in the back for the first 10 minutes of class, then leave. After 1 week, it can be five minutes, then walking the child to his/her classroom, then finally just dropping them off. Eventually your child will get used to school, make friends, get to know the teacher, and be able to function independently without so much anxiety. 

One cause of school avoidance in older children is academic pressure and learning difficulties. We all can remember that as one progresses through the grade levels, the academic work becomes more difficult and complex. Assignments and tests get longer, and the material builds upon itself over time in classes like math. That means that a concept not internalized from years past means the person is not going to be able to learn today’s material in the next grade level up. A student whose reading level has not kept pace might be unable to understand a social studies lesson because of the vocabulary involved. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for learning difficulties to be missed and for kids to “fall through the cracks” as a result. It isn’t difficult to understand why if a student feels that they aren’t understanding the material at all and cannot succeed, they won’t want to expose themselves to that type of stressful situation and thus will avoid school as much as they can. The solution here is to diagnose any learning difficulties and implement supports to help the student get caught up. As a parent, the first thing to consider is asking the school for testing on your student if they are struggling academically. As a parent, it is your right to make a written request for psychoeducational testing. This should disclose what grade level your student is at in the core subjects, and may help pick up specific learning disabilities such as dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalculia. That is the first step in helping them get the resources they need to catch up, whether that be a section 504 plan with some accommodations, or an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) with resource “pull-outs” to help them catch up in reading, math, or other subject areas in which they have fallen behind. 

A third common reason students experience anxiety and distress and may avoid school is social fears. As we all remember, kids and teens can be quite unkind to one another, and they vary in their degree of temperamental sensitivity or resilience to things like bullying and peer pressure. These issues seem to present the most significant problems in the late elementary to early high school years, from about 5th to 9th grade. They also seem to cause more problems for girls than for boys as a general rule, but every child is different. While it may seem like a difficult challenge to address social situations among peers at school, there are some resources that can help. First, maintain an open line of communication with your child so that they will feel comfortable disclosing difficulties such as bullying. If your child is truly being bullied by an aggressive, he/she is probably not the only one, and you’ll be doing the school a favor by making them aware of the situation. If the problem is more a general (unfortunately common) passive-aggressive peer dynamic, help your child identify one or two core friends who they can trust, and/or a supportive teacher that they can look to for emotional support, instead of trying desperately to fit in and be popular. At many local schools, there are also peer support groups, social skills groups, and school-based therapists who can help. It may be a good idea to talk to your school’s administration to find out what specific resources they have. 

For a smaller number of children and teens, there may be mental health disorders playing a role in their school difficulties. Attention-deficit/Hyperactivity disorder can make it very difficult for a person to concentrate without becoming distracted, a clear liability in a classroom learning situation. Depression, anxiety, or social phobia can make even basic interpersonal interactions with teachers and peers feel difficult or impossible. In these cases, it is best to seek a mental health provider to help the underlying problem. Psychotherapy and in some cases medication can help your student succeed despite mental health challenges. 

Almost everyone understands the importance of educational success to future success as an adult in the career world. This can make parents and kids alike feel stressed and overwhelmed by challenges at school. However, if you can understand the root of the problem, there are many helpful solutions that can be brought to bear to make it a successful school year for you and your student.